


A Portrait of the Suitor as a Young Nerd

by Saucery



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Adolescence is Both Awkward and Awful, Alternate Universe - Canon, Anime, Baking, Best Friends, Birthday, Birthday Presents, Bromance, Cake, Comedy, Companionable Snark, Crush, Fanboys - Freeform, Friendship, Geek Love, Hentai, Humor, In-Jokes, Japanese Culture, Laura Lives, M/M, Manga, Mostly Dialogue, Nerdiness, Pining, Pop Culture, Porn Watching, Ridiculous, Romance, Romantic Comedy, Snark, Talking About Porn, Werewolves, otaku
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-13
Updated: 2013-01-13
Packaged: 2017-11-25 08:05:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/636829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saucery/pseuds/Saucery
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stiles and Scott are two otaku nerds, both helplessly smitten with the objects of their affections. The only difference is, Scott's managed to start dating his, while Stiles is still stuck in the courtship stage. He decides to takes some advice from manga. And from Laura Hale.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Portrait of the Suitor as a Young Nerd

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Swing Set in December (swing_set13)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/swing_set13/gifts).



> Written for Jen on the occasion of her [birthday](http://swingsetindecember.tumblr.com/post/40409859205/saucefactory-replied-to-your-post-all-i-want-for), and inspired by [this post](http://saucefactory.tumblr.com/post/40401132483/lilpocketninja-saucefactory-face-of).

* * *

 

"So, like, according to this manga, I should be putting notes in his locker." 

"He doesn't have a locker," Scott points out, distractedly, nose-deep in _Shonen Jump_. "He isn't even in school."

"It's the principle of the thing! I could, uh, sneak up to his house and open his mailbox and - "

" - get arrested by your own dad for being a stalker? Good one, Stiles."

"You don't understand my love. Oh, wait, you do. _Spiderman_. Hanging upside-down from Allison's goddamn roof so she can kiss you. And you're not a stalker?"

"That's different," Scott waves a hand, coming alive at the slightest mention of Allison. "She knows and approves of my sta - um, following her."

"Consensual stalking. Uh-huh. Listen, man. This is serious. Mission-critical information has just been imparted to me by Commander Laura Hale."

"You were talking to Derek's sister, again? She's gonna think you're interested in _her_."

"No way. All I ever do is ask about Derek. I think she supports us."

"I think she's looking for ways to torture her brother."

"He looks good when he's being tortured, doesn't he?"

"Sometimes, you disturb me."

"And sometimes, you borrow BDSM-themed porn from my hentai collection. Don't judge."

"How do you know what he looks like when he's being tortured, anyway?"

"I've seen how he looks when Laura tries to talk to him about me."

"I rest my case."

"I think he's tortured with _desire_."

"The desire to slam your head into walls? Yep."

"You're so demoralizing, Scott. And to think we took a blood-oath to be brothers for life."

"We were _five_. And the blood was fake, by the way."

"Our hearts were true." Stiles sulks.

"Okay, fine. So what're you gonna do? For Derek's birthday? Please don't let there be stalking involved."

"Er."

" _Stiles_."

"Okay, okay. I was thinking… cake?"

"All right, that's reasonable. And?"

"And… puppies?"

"Puppies."

"In the rain."

"Why in the rain?"

"Because in all the shoujo manga, the heroine falls in love with the hero when he saves a carton of abandoned puppies and/or kittens sitting in the rain."

Scott blinks. Repeatedly. "First, you've gotta be high. Right? Second, are you really comparing Derek Hale to a shoujo heroine? _Really_?"

"But his eyes! They go all big and glittery when he's vulnerable!"

"And you wanna tie him up and top the hell out of him. I think we need to end this conversation."

"I think we need to re-watch that hentai in which a geeky loser lands this hot _tsundere_ girl with wild, dark hair and big, glittery eyes and then ties her up and tops the hell out of her."

Scott groans. "I can't watch that with you when you're picturing _Derek Hale_!"

"Why not?" asks Stiles, looking peeved. "I watch all that schmoopy vanilla stuff with kissing in the missionary position while you think of Allison."

"Emphasis on vanilla. Bro, I've got limits. Sorry."

"Your loss," Stiles says. "Anyway. Back to the plan - "

"No puppies."

"But - "

"No. Puppies. Stiles."

"How about the cake?"

"The cake's fine."

"A cake in the shape of a puppy? 'Cause Derek reminds me of a puppy."

"He reminds _me_ of a bloodhound. A crazy bloodhound. Possibly with rabies."

"Hey! Don't insult the love of my life!"

"Lydia was the love of your life last year."

"Lydia was a star in the firmament. Unreachable by my mere mortal hand."

"And _Derek's_ reachable?"

"He may be a leather god and a feral beastie, but he's the feral beastie of my heart."

"Forget your heart, your need to get your head examined."

"That's what Ms. Morrell is for. She's good."

"I'm beginning to doubt her credentials."

"So. Cake! Puppy-shaped cake. I'm great at baking, because every manga or anime proves that a guy that can bake is popular with the chicks. _And_ the dudes. Whether it's shoujo or yaoi. Whether it's _xxxHolic_ or _Otomen_ or that weird yaoi manga with the pavlova..."

"Please. Don't start on the yaoi manga."

"What about the bara?"

"Stiles! No! Muscled dudes do _not_ do it for me, got it?"

"Doesn't explain your little man-crush on Danny," Stiles says, slyly, and Scott splutters.

"Everyone likes Danny, okay! Everyone! Dude's probably a Veela," Scott says, in all seriousness, and then he and Stiles stare at each other in a moment of perfect commiseration.

"Yeah," says Stiles. "Totally. He's like the Fleur Delacour of guys. If I hadn't already pledged my heart to Derek, it'd be beating double-time for Mahealani the Magnificent."

"Have you seen his abs? I can't get my abs to look that cut no matter how hard I work out."

"I'm starting to wonder about your supposed heterosexuality, Scott. And so is Isaac, I hear."

"Back to Derek," says Scott, hurriedly, "no puppy-shaped cakes. Just a plain dark chocolate one, maybe? He seems like the type to like dark chocolate. Then again, he _also_ seems like the type to be a Dark Lord."

"Sith Lord, or Voldemort?"

Scott makes an ambiguous gesture. "Either/or. Can't say for sure."

"I always did like sexy villains. Or anti-villains. Or antiheroes."

"Listen, can you lend me that DVD of the tentacles and the witches?"

"And you say you aren't kinky. For shame, Scott McCall."

"Look, Allison's away on that archery camp thing, and I'm _pining_ , okay? It's just me and my right hand, tonight."

"It's just me and my right hand, every night," Stiles says, resentfully. "But fine. Take it. It's under the DVD with the cosplay and above the one with Hitomi Tanaka."

Scott twists and reaches for Stiles's hentai pile. "Tanaka and her boobs. Damn. Maybe I'll take that, too?"

"Go ahead. Leave me to watch my man-porn in peace."

"Whoa. You actually ordered gay porn?"

"Anything is possible on the internet, my friend. As long as my dad doesn't find out that I own a Japanese AV starring a former wrestler with a fondness for getting tied up by other men, we're cool."

"I feel kinda sorry for Derek."

"Why?"

"Because he has _no_ clue about the sort of things you imagine doing to him."

"He will, soon."

Scott covers his face with his newly-appropriated DVDs. "Spare me."

"Okay. But only if you join me bright and early tomorrow morning for baking a huge-ass cake. And then delivering said cake. In your car. Since my Jeep's still at the shop after the thing we both agreed never to tell my dad about."

"You're gonna give the cake to Derek? Directly?"

"Nothing says love like a home-delivered cake, unless it's a home-delivered cake with a stripper inside it. Which, by the way, is exactly what you'll order for me on my stag night, before I get married to Derek Hale. Preferably, Derek will _be_ the stripper."

"Forget about the wedding! Think about the birthday. And the cake. That you're going to deliver."

"Yeah?"

"You do realize he's going to slam the door in your face, right?"

"So what? I'll get my message across."

"I admire your courage."

"Love gives me strength. Tomorrow, then?"

Scott sighs. "Tomorrow." 

 

*

 

As it happens, Derek _does_ slam the door in Stiles's face. 

But thankfully, Laura opens it right back up, takes the cake, and blows Stiles a kiss. "A man that can bake," she says, appreciatively. Then: "Hey, li'l brother!" she calls back into the massive house. Her voice echoes. "If you won't take him, I will!"

There's a growl - from the creepy darkness beyond the door - and then the sight of a leather-clad arm shooting out and grabbing the cake from Laura.

"Did you see that?" Stiles says to Scott, in a hushed voice. "There's hope!"

"You're reading too much into it," says Scott.

"You're really not," says Laura. "Don't worry, you're on the right track. He's got more of a sweet tooth than he'll ever admit."

"Thanks," Stiles gushes.

"You sure you want him, not me?"

"Um." Stiles goes red.

"Told ya," Scott whispers to him.

"Ha!" Laura chuckles. "Never mind. I can see where your heart's set. And where Derek's _stomach's_ set."

Stiles grins at her.

"Next time, try meat, okay? Lamb, maybe. Cooked rare. Oh, and wear a red hoodie."

"Why?"

"Trust me. Just wear it."

"Okay." Stiles bounces on his feet. "Thanks again, Laura."

"Any time." She knocks him on the shoulder in a friendly fashion, but it almost sends him tumbling off the porch. The Hales are _strong_. Laura, especially, which is why she's the Deputy Sheriff. "See you around, Stilinski! And tell your dad I'll be at the station, soon!"

"Sure will."

As he and Scott walk back to the car, Stiles says, "That was an unqualified success, don't you think?"

"You didn't even talk to Derek."

"I'm getting there!"

"No, you're not," Scott huffed, "but whatever."

They tussle briefly before getting into Scott's car, and are distracted enough not to notice a pair of eyes watching them from the Hale house, eyes glowing an eerie blue and fixed, unerringly, on Stiles.

 

* * *

 

**  
fin.**

**Author's Note:**

> Like my writing? Check out [my blog](http://saucefactory.tumblr.com/)!


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